Twas the Night Before Ratings

This site has an annual tradition of posting this parody the day before USTA NTRP ratings adjustments are posted. For logistical reasons, I’m a couple of days late this year.

As a new incentive for 2024, the USTA offered a “Sneak Peek” early access to their ratings for players who completed Safe Sport training. While some took advantage of that opportunity and had access to their rating four days earlier than everyone else, quite a few players in my orbit missed that announcement. A few others were aware of the offer but elected to wait as the course takes significant time to complete. And then there’s me.

I am already required to maintain Safe Play certification as a part of a volunteer role within the USTA Texas Section. It is a two-step process of completing the Safe Sport course coupled with a background investigation. Since the USTA indicated that anyone already Safe Play certified would automatically qualify for the “Sneak Peek,” I thought I was covered and expected to see my rating early. However, this is a rare case where I failed to read the fine print. People who were already certified also needed an expiration date no later than December 31, 2024. As it turns out, mine was set to expire in early December. To add insult to injury, I completed the Safe Sport course by the sneak peak deadline, but the additional background investigation required to convert that into Safe Play certification is still pending. All that to say, I did not receive my rating early this year as expected.

In any case, this “Sneak Peak” offered by the USTA did not materially change the experiences that inspired this parody to be written in the first place. After ratings were published to the unwashed masses, the USTA application and website with that information were down for much of the day. Additionally, I received an extra Christmas bonus this year and am back up to NTRP 5.0 as this post goes live. I am considering my options and completely overthinking things, which is the hallmark of this site. In any case, the circumstances that brought about my new rating will culminate in a wealth of new posts, most of which must necessarily simmer away on the back burner for a well-advised cooling-off period.

As a “Sneak Peek” of my own, ratings management is never a victimless crime.

Twas the Night Before Ratings

Twas the night before ratings, new levels pronounced;
Not a player was resting… Here’s my account;

Their numbers were done by the computer with care,
All hoped that the NTRP would this year be fair;
While others were nestled all snug in their beds;
Tennis players hit “reload” til their fingers all bled;

Dressed up in my Nationals shirt and a cap,
A beer in my hand, no time for a nap,
When out of Orlando, there arose such a clatter,
The servers slowed, all hope was in shatters.

The appointed hour came and went in a flash;
But nothing was posted, the system had crashed;
My annoyance and dread had started to grow:
What’s my new rating?!? I just had to know.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a message to exercise patience, my dear;
Posting new ratings is never that quick;
All you can do is re-click and re-click.

More rapid than eagles, the curses they came;
With epithets shouted in all ways profane;
Now captains and ringers and bags made of sand;
Would all have to stay up much later than planned.

It is like this every year, I recall,
The desperate queries, network traffic that crawls;
Like leaves that before the wild hurricane fly;
Texts with outcomes start to arrive.

That 3.5 self-rate who played college, too;
Double bumped from that roster, goodbye, and adieu;
The 3.0 appeal with a ranked junior history,
Only up to 3.5, somewhat of a mystery;

The one-year 4.5 who lost every match,
Reunited with her 4.0 team in a snap;
The National Champion with an unappealable bump,
is off with a wave, “See you next year, chumps.”

With a wink of an eye and a twist of the head,
The organizational insiders land in good stead;
They speak not a word and go straight to work,
Gathering the best underrates with a smirk.

The night is over; the ratings are posted;
“To another year,” they say as we get toasted;
Save for one lone voice with one final serve,
“NTRP to you, it’s what you deserve.”