Twas the Night before Bump Ups

Twas the night before bump ups, new ratings pronounced;
Not a player was resting… Here’s my account;

Their numbers were done by the computer with care,
All hoped that the NTRP would this year be fair;
While others were nestled all snug in their beds;
Tennis players hit “reload” til their fingers all bled;

Dressed up in my Nationals shirt and a cap,
A beer in my hand, no time for a nap,
When out of Orlando, there arose such a clatter,
The servers slowed, all hope was in shatters.

The appointed hour came and went in a flash;
But nothing was posted, the system had crashed;
My annoyance and dread had started to grow:
What’s my new rating?!? I just had to know.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a message to exercise patience, my dear;
Posting new ratings is never that quick;
All you can do is re-click and re-click.

More rapid than eagles, the curses they came;
With epithets shouted in all ways profane;
Now captains and ringers and bags made of sand;
Would all have to stay up much later than planned.

It is like this every year, I recall,
The desperate queries, network traffic that crawls;
Like leaves that before the wild hurricane fly;
Texts with outcomes start to arrive.

That 3.5 self-rate who played college too;
Double bumped from that roster, goodbye, and adieu;
The 3.0 appeal with a ranked junior history,
Only up to 3.5, somewhat of a mystery;

The one-year 4.5 who lost every match,
Reunited with her 4.0 team in a snap;
The National Champion with an unappealable bump,
is off with a wave, “See you next year, chumps.”

With a wink of an eye and a twist of the head,
The organizational insiders land in good stead;
They speak not a word and go straight to work,
Gathering the best underrates with a smirk.

The night is over; the ratings are posted;
“To another year,” they say as we get toasted;
Save for one lone voice with one final serve,
“NTRP to you, it’s what you deserve.”

Editorial note: Posting this parody the day before USTA NTRP ratings adjustments are posted is an annual tradition on this site. This is revised version for 2023.

Pro Tip: I recommend immediately downloading a local copy of the player NTRP Ratings list for your local area of interest. That list can later be used to clarify the direction of appeals. It is an excellent historical reference to have around.