Over the past few years, the USTA has enhanced its League application software to help connect prospective players and teams with open roster spots. The user interface includes a long free-form text field for players and teams to describe themselves. It is conceptually similar to a dating app. Prospective players and team captains try to put their best foot forward to attract each other. Even though I have never used this feature directly, I play around with it occasionally to monitor how the USTA has continued to fine-tune and adjust how it works.
One of the recent enhancements now requires users to be logged into the system to see any data about prospective players and teams. Additionally, it filters down teams that a player can see based on their rating. While I guess that supports some notion of privacy, it also means that I cannot currently see how most teams are advertising themselves. Most captains at my level don’t use the mechanism at all, which is a pity. Those team descriptions have been a great source of amusement to me.
A savvy prospective league player must be able to read the team description and determine what it really means. To help with that process, I have assembled a list of words and phrases frequently used to describe teams. I have also provided a definition to support more informed choices… or at least foreshadow what playing on the team will likely entail.
- Competitive (or Serious). This team has their sights on post-season advancement. This captain will field the best available lineup at all times. You will play every week if you are one of the better players. In fact, it will be demanded. If you’re not… then you will most likely be referring back to this guide next season when casting about for another team.
- Coordinated. This team wears matching uniforms… a new one every season. You should be prepared to budget a couple hundred dollars for this. It will cost even more if you have to take the clothes to a tailor to make them actually fit.
- Detail-Oriented Captain. You will receive about 100 daily text messages when this team is in season. Topics will include specific match tactics, nutrition tips, and getting a good night’s sleep. This team is also likely to have mandatory practices and homework.
- Drama-Free. The correct way to read this term is “free drama.” You don’t have to buy a ticket to experience this sh*t-show. This team has drama unequaled by any Real Housewives episode.
- Established. A team characterized as “established” typically means that the Captain is on the board of directors for the sponsoring organization. The Co-Captain is on the grievance committee. This team wins every administrative and regulatory dispute, most of which they filed themselves.
- Fun-Loving. Every player on this team can play well with a hang-over, and they frequently prove it. Getting to know your teammates will involve learning every player’s on-court liquor of choice.
- Fun. Unlike the fun-loving team, this captain is anticipating losing every match. “Well, that was fun…” covers a lot of territory.
- Great Chemistry. On the surface, everybody wants to be on a team with great chemistry. Unfortunately, this can sometimes mean the team shares a highly homogeneous lifestyle and personality. You may have found your people if you align with their narrow demographic. Otherwise, this can be an awkward season of holding down the fort while the rest of the team jets off to Vegas together.
- Hard-Working. This team plays out of a facility that requires a weekly drill conducted by a paid professional. You may never actually hit a ball during these drills. Still, you will receive great tactical instructions on topics such as serve placement, which would be useful if anyone on the roster could ever hit the service box, much less one side or the other on demand.
- High Powered. Most of this team was at a higher NTRP level last year but has tanked their way back down to take another run at a National Championship. If they are looking for players, it is because someone didn’t manage to get their rating down or lost their appeal. This is a rare opportunity to jump on the seesaw with them. This team will likely be “Fun” by intentional design at the next higher NTRP level next season.
- Limited Roster Spots. This team is looking for a couple of key players. Specifically, there is someone on the roster that no one else on the team is willing to play with. That is your new doubles partner. The other available slot is singles.
- Positive (or Supportive). This is another one of those characteristics that sounds good in principle but not so good in reality. This team will subject you to a lot of unsolicited feedback on your play via veiled compliments. “It’s amazing that you win so many points with that backhand.”
- Seasoned. This is the polite way of saying “old.” This team hasn’t quite mastered technology yet, so forget about ever receiving a text message from the Captain. If you join this team you will be responsible for running down every lob.
- Stable. Warning! Warning! This is the Hotel California of league teams. This Captain wields a lot of power in the tennis community and holds a grudge. No one ever leaves this roster, yet somehow, they always need more players.
- Spirited. Most of the roster is present for every match, whether they are playing or not. While this initially may seem to be a tight-knit squad, it is not out of loyalty but rather self-preservation. This team has one unspoken rule: if you’re not there, you’re the topic. Masters of subtle shade and whispered critiques, they bond over shared secrets and side-eye glances. The laughter is loud, fueled by gossip that is sharper than their freshly manicured nails.
- Talented. This roster is packed with players who think they are better than they actually are. The team always needs fresh blood because their “talented” players need doubles partners who can carry them.
- Welcoming. This team plays at a facility that requires membership and desperately needs new players willing to join the club. The red carpet will be rolled out for prospective players, and you might get a membership waiver for one season but no more.
Have you encountered any team descriptions or terms that left you scratching your head or laughing out loud? If so, let me know—I’d love to add them to the list and help decode them for everyone!
