Fiend at Court Unplugged
The USTA recently made some enhancements to the League Registration process that should make it easier for new prospective players to find an appropriate team. Those changes are described in “USTA League Registration Improvements.” Today I am providing a guide for helping prospective players decipher the “Captain’s Note” descriptions that are a part of the new system.
While the exact implementation of the Captain’s Notes remains to be seen, the Fiend at Court is anticipating that these team descriptions will bear similar characteristics to online dating profiles. Every captain will be striving to put their best foot forward to attract quality additions to their roster.
Prospective players who are reading team descriptions need to be alert to what these profiles are most likely saying. This is where the Fiend at Court can help. The following is a list of team attributes and how to read between the lines of each statement. This is Version 0.1 of the list. I am anticipating that this will be updated as real team descriptions emerge in practice.
This also seems like a really good time to mention that this site is not affiliated with the USTA in any way. The observations in this post should not under any circumstances be regarded as official guidance.
USTA Captain’s Note Cheat Sheet
| Word/Phrase | Real Meaning |
| Fun-Loving | Every player on this team can play well with a hang-over and they frequently prove it. Getting to know your teammates will involve learning every players on-court liquor of choice. |
| Fun | This captain is anticipating losing every match. “Well that was fun…” covers a lot of territory. |
| Drama-Free | This literally means “free drama.” You don’t have to buy a ticket to experience this sh*t-show. This team has drama unequalled by any Real Housewives episode. |
| Established | A team characterized as “well established” typically means that the Captain is on the board of directors for the sponsoring organization. The Co-Captain is on the grievance committee. This team wins every administrative and regulatory dispute. |
| High-Powered | The majority of the roster was at a higher NTRP level last year, but has tanked their way back down to enable another run at a National Championship. It is a rare opportunity to jump on the see-saw with them. This team is likely to be “Fun” by intentional design at the next higher NTRP level next season. |
| Competitive | This team has their sights on post-season advancement. This captain will field the best available lineup at all times. If you are one of the better players, you will play every week, in fact it will be demanded. If you’re not… then you will most likely be referring back to this guide next season when casting about for another team. |
| Almost Full | This team is looking to fill one or two roster spots. Specifically, there is a player on the roster that no one else on the team is willing to play with. That is your new doubles partner. The other available slot is singles. |
| Seasoned | This is the polite way of saying “old.” This team hasn’t quite mastered technology yet, so forget about ever receiving a text message from the Captain. If you join this team you will be responsible for running down every lob. |
| Great Chemistry | On the surface, everybody wants to be on a team with great chemistry. Unfortunately this can sometimes mean that the team is highly homogeneous in terms of lifestyle and personality. It you align with the narrow demographic, you may have found your people. Otherwise, this can be an awkward season of holding down the fort while the rest of the team jets off to Vegas together. |
| Stable | Warning! Warning! This is the Hotel California of league teams. This Captain wields a lot of power in the tennis community and holds a grudge. No one ever leaves this team, yet somehow they always need more players. |
| Supportive | This is another one of those characteristics that sounds good in principal. It could also mean that you will be subjected to a lot unsolicited feedback on your play via veiled compliments. “It’s amazing that you win so many points with that backhand.” |
| Detail-Oriented Captain | You will receive about 100 text messages a day when this team is in season. Topics will include specific match tactics, nutrition tips, and how to get a good night’s sleep. This team is also likely to have mandatory practices and homework. |
| Improving | The league is played at a facility that requires a weekly team drill conducted by a paid professional. You may never actually hit a ball during these drills, but will receive a lot of great tactical instructions on topics such as serve placement. That would be useful if not for fact that the majority of the players on the team are lucky to even hit the service box. |
| Coordinated | This team buys a new uniform. Every season. Budget a couple of hundred extra dollars for this. More if you have to take the clothes to a tailor to make them actually fit. |
So there you have it. My initial guide at deciphering team descriptions for the prospective league player. I am sure that I missed some obvious team types and would be trilled for any comments or feedback that identifies descriptions to add for the next edition of this list.
Obligatory Black Friday Content
The Fiend at Court recently published three great guides for tennis related gift giving. All commissions earned through the end of this year via the affiliate links in these articles are pledged to the USTA Rally to Rebuild initiative.
 |  |  |
